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Now our mom is back in our lives, saying she had mental health issues and with therapy is ready to be part of our lives again. To my disgust, my dad and sister are welcoming her with open arms.
I kind of understand my sister, but I’m surprised and angry that my dad doesn’t have more self-respect. My mom and I talked briefly, and she apologized, but I feel as if her “Sorry I abandoned you, but I had problems” doesn’t make up for me having to grow up overnight.
Everybody has an opinion on this. My boyfriend is telling me to keep her out of my life, while my father and sister say it’s healthier for me to let go of my anger and forgive her. How do I get through this? She and my dad seem to be reuniting.
Angry: Wait — why is your dad off the hook? A sick parent leaves, and the healthy co-parent … watches his older child shoulder an inappropriately heavy burden, and does nothing to stop it?
Maybe you skipped over his role, but still, he was the well parent and spouse, so your misery is not 100 percent your mom’s fault.
Forgiveness is healthier for you than anger, of course — but it’s not a light switch. It’s a process. Counseling would at least give you support from someone without an agenda — and at best an informed guide.
You went through a difficult, painful and unjust struggle just as you were hitting your adolescence. That means bringing your adult perspective to your youthful one will probably be a layered process, where you address not only your mom’s choices, but also the context of the absentee husband/dad and your own thwarted adolescence. And the boundary issues of everyone coaching you on how to feel now. It is a lot.
Maybe respect your instinct to keep your distance, and use the space you create to let therapy do its thing. (Resources here.)
· I hear you, I hear you, I hear you. My birth mom had significant mental health issues. I understand that, and that the way I was treated was not acceptable. I managed to find compassion for her not being able to beat her demons. For losing that fight. It led to forgiveness.
Maybe tell people you’re working on it, but it’s not going to be an overnight kind of thing, and you need them to give you space for it to happen.
· Do not hesitate to ask your parents to pay for the therapy.
· “Saying she had mental health issues” is not an apology. Mom has not owned what she did, or the damage it caused; she just gave excuses, however valid they may be. Also, the workaholic dad should have revised his priorities to take care of his kids. He also owes an apology.
· You can forgive her without reconciliation. Reconciliation is about TRUST. She hasn’t earned yours. Be around her in measured amounts, to see who she has become.
