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I’m over her behavior; she refuses to discuss the issues, prompting the crickets. But it would mess up the group dynamics if I cut her off, and my husband would be sad. Plus, we are co-hosting an event coming up in a few weeks — one that was planned before her latest pique — and it wouldn’t be right to just make all the decisions solo. HELP.
— Silence Ain’t Golden!
Silence Ain’t Golden!: Just ignore her tantrums. Seriously. Invite the couple as always; be civil, of course; and take part fully in the group’s standard small talk and chatter and conversation.
And when she has one of her silent protests of whatever, just proceed as always; change nothing — don’t alter your behavior one bit. If she’s there, she’s there. If she’s not, she’s not. If she ignores direct conversation, then, okay, let your eyebrows hit your hairline, once, then resume whatever it was you were doing. If she withholds her input on a group decision, then set a speak-up-by date after which you decide without her. Do not defend yourself, ask her what’s wrong, share your opinion of her emotional dysregulation. Do not feed the beast.
If she does this because it’s the only way she can handle difficult feelings, then you’re giving her space and grace. If she does it to manipulate people into doing things her way (for fear of setting her off), then quietly rendering her tactics completely ineffective is the healthiest response she can get.
Hi, Carolyn: I have a sister who, for the most part, has been very supportive. However, my daughter recently got married, and she didn’t include my sister’s teenage children or any other children from other members of our family in the wedding party. My sister is hurt because her children, according to her, were excluded, and she considers this disrespectful!
She has stopped talking to us. How do we tell my sister that my daughter’s wedding is not about my sister’s children?
Sibling: So you’re going to hunt her down and scold her?
She’s wrong, 100 percent, 670 percent in a land beyond math and physics, but still.
Either you leave her in peace to recover from this imagined slight on her own time, or you get word to her — directly from you or from your daughter — that neither of you meant to hurt anyone, that you miss her, and that your big-person door is open when she’s ready to come back through. Maybe leave out the specifics on the type of door.
Dear Carolyn: I recently went on a short trip with an activity group I joined. One woman immediately put me off, but I can’t put my finger on why. She seems nice enough — but goes overboard with compliments and asks really loaded questions that seem innocent but are a minefield to answer.
I spent the past few days trying to figure out why I find her so off-putting. Am I just being weird, or is there something more I’m not seeing?
Put Off: No idea. But you’re picking up that something is off, so trust it. It’s fine to keep yourself politely at arm’s length. “Wow, that’s a question,” which you then don’t answer. Time will tell you what you need to know about her.
